cher lloyds fan prepares for her live debut at channel 4s pop extravaganza, t4 on the beach
to say i found myself somewhere totally inappropriate yesterday would be an understatement, but hey, when you have a teenkid these things happen.
so, having pulled one of the last strings i could, rather than sit in the car from a safe distance i ended up being part of the chaos. i should state before i get ambushed by ‘you’re too old’ missives, i have albums by girls aloud (best pop band ever ? quite possibly), old cd-rs from when the wombats were a bunch of no-marks, and shuffled to songs by sugababes, so i may not be a popjustice styled aficionado, but even in my fourth decade on this planet, i cannot help but love a healthy dose of pure unadulterated pop.
so surely i would manage to squeeze some enjoyment out of such an event.
well, yes, and no.
50,000 people all celebrating the art of pop on a sunburnt beach in the south-west of england, or so i thought. what actually happens is a lot of audience baiting with the aim to make the poor folks scream until they burst a blood vessel in the hope their faces are on tv for a nanosecond.
of course, none of this would make any sense on its own, so there are fleeting pop stars performances in between the onstage antics which are great for the 500 folks getting mangled at the front, but of no interest to the other 49,500 folks, but, as the tickets advise, the acts are only there to perform anything from one to four tracks, so blink and you’ll miss’em, but fear not, here comes an advert break.
in the spirit of the day, here’s a well informed act-by-act analysis of the day :
main stage :
– olly murs : the happy chaps lightweight reggae pop wins over the jls disappointed crowd. he wears a nice hat.
[re jls : how on earth 4 guys with microphones need to have a full on sound check is beyond me and blaming the lack of such a privilege for their hissy fit and non appearance is baffling.
this aint led zeppelin, it’s mass market karaoke.
leading some of us to suspect there is a hidden story here behind the non-appearance. laziness, drugs, or booze, you decide]
– nicola roberts : ace. star quality. and got the party going. loved it. but then i would.
– far east movement : fuckin’ dreadful. i hated that babara streisand dance track in its original form. do i need a revisit with ironic big guitar power chords overdubbing the cheese stuffed loops and shout outs ? no i do not.
– example : from chris moyles sanctioned lily allen mashups to total pop domination. massive love from the crowd for his electro-pop-rap crossover hits. he clearly was loving every minute of it, and when the crowd all bounced upon his demand, i genuinely felt the earth move. very surreal, and strangely enjoyable.
– hard-fi : what on earth ! misplaced and out of their depth. the mass exodus when they hit the stage was palpable. new song seems to indicate that the lads have found samples, and the big hit was of course bashed out as a case of ‘please remember us’.
at this point a mad dash over to the second stage. which appears to be where the requirement is more than a backing tape and a microphone.
sunsmart sessions stage
aloe blacc : suited and booted with a full live band. crossing the ocean and generation gap brilliant. a momentary glimpse of class and culture. the 3 track set was painfully short, but he won over all that caught him with his smooth charm and old school showmanship.
rizzle kicks : never heard of them, but they made me smile. updating the happy hip hop groove with sing-a-long ska infused hip hop (though i suspect they’d rather link their thing to dubstep as opposed to reggae). the lads were lapping up their moment in the sun, and played a blinder, sealing the deal with their jessie j cover version, sorry remix.(another cancellation – this time genuine – due to the girl breaking her foot).
the wombats : what the f*ck. people really like this band !? don’t get me wrong, their brand of indie dance pop aint a total mood killer, but the sheer number of kids and non-kids singing along to their hits in word perfect manner was a bit of a boggle moment. kudos though for the 2 minute rock out closer and leaving the guitars on stage to a loop of white noise excess. shame about the singers dress and style sense.
cher lloyd : the real deal. given all the diva strops and tantrums, a lot of people crowded the area to see chers live debut. the sun was hot. the stage was set, and unlike other acts who appeared within seconds of their designated stage times, she made us wait.
how rock-n-roll.
and then there she was. half a shaved head, dancing troupe acting large. and telling us to swagger like jagger to a blast of diplo-styled electro beats. or something like that. within 2 minutes 47 seconds it was all over in an explosion of yellow ticker tape and cheers.
(several comments along the lines of ‘she probably needs to have a bit of a cry now’ were heard when the crowd realised that was all we were getting)
next up : the view
i ran hard and fast away from that particular travesty of music. taking in the general sights and sounds, the booze excess (making ‘proper’ rock festivals look positively teetotal) , and the surreal disconnection between reality and the shiny happy tv pictures.
i ended up back on the beach, only to hear that the day was to be one of the presenters final day @ t4. and so the crowd needed to say goodbye (several times in good old james brown-esque faking it fashion).
everyone has to grow up.
i suspect it was role playing, but he looked genuinely pleased to walk off (or was he running) that stage and head off to the relevant studio to make “x-factor for welsh tv with shirley bassey”.
hmm maybe i was wrong about growing up.
the weltering crowd were then promised a treat for the boys in the form of parade.
a collective : ‘who!?’ went around the crowd.
quickly followed by a different collective responding with : ‘they’re shyte’
and then finally, as my sanity was beginning to wane, it was to be the latest incarnation of pops greatest chameleon act, the sugababes.
the stage was littered with flags declaring their love for freedom.
was this a slice of political pop ? a turning point of the day when one act decides to add some depth and seriousness to the days events. nah. this was a message of celebration to their old record label. a good old fashioned ‘f*ck you’ given that the pop-brand (can’t really call them a band now can we !) has jumped ship, and now are part of a new corporation.
no doubt the old record label have their own sugababes touring some other part of the world. everyone happy.
still, the girls put on a good show, worked the crowd, added in the all important dubstep drop (a theme for the day – surely the death knell for the genre !?), and waved their flags of freedom. game, set, and match.
with that, and the very mention of the show closing appearance by fan threatening n-dubz, i knew my time was over.
i clambered over the mountains of discarded gaymers cider bottles, beyond reproach tattoo’d mams-n-grans, and headed for the exit.
needless to say, my teenkid loved it.